Moving & dating & nobility & selfishness

This is somewhat for the benefit of my mom, but also for the numerous people who keep telling me how noble I am. Here’s an email I am sending to my mom:

I’m somewhat frightened to move. Not hugely. It’s something different, and it means that of necessity some things will change in my life. That can be good. I’m somewhat in a rut. Something you will be happy to know is that I haven’t completely given up on the idea of meeting the right girl and getting married after a suitable period of dating. Thing is, not to knock the women I know here, but the chances of that happening with my current circle of friends is dropping rapidly. I’m not the new and fresh face anymore. I’ve been considered and discarded by everyone left in this crowd. It’s not 100%. There are new people coming around. Some folks get recycled. But by and large, my chances are much less than what they used to be in 2002-2003 when I was the new guy.

A change of scenery would help. That can happen here. But it’s hard for me to get myself away from the comfort of my friends. So a new place will kind of force me to do something different. I’m not generally a believer that a change of place changes lives. Wherever you go, there are you. You don’t get away from your problems by moving. But dating, to a decent extent, is a numbers game. If you don’t meet new people, you don’t date much. Numbers aren’t a substitute, for sure. Adding 100 more married people to ones circle of friends doesn’t help much.

Anyway, I noted the other day that I am scared. Changing anything is scary for me. I am a creature of habit, particularly socially. But I’ve never gotten anywhere in life without changing things up, scary as that is. It isn’t going to change me. But getting me out of my routine isn’t changing me.

Helping you? While it has a side benefit to help you, in the end, even my plans to stop by to help you are selfish in nature. You get really upset by the inability to communicate as well as just changing things up (I get my don’t want to change nature from you, I’m sure). If I have a year or two left to spend with you, I’d rather it be fun times rather than constant upsetness. My plan is to put my manager experience to use so that you doesn’t have to be upset as often. Dad and some of the other folks helping you at least currently aren’t really able to fill that role. So you have to make sure things get done, but it’s really freaking hard when you can’t talk and are worn out all the time. That would be upsetting to me. And that affects me emotionally, as well as just messes with the time we have together.

The blunt truth is that I want you to be happy so I can be happy. It isn’t particularly noble. I don’t give a rat’s behind about the suffering of random people. If you were Cruella, I’d have walked away. If I had a career to lose or a family or something else, I can’t say that I’d give them up. I saw a movie within the last year, I can’t remember the title, which was about love. Mostly people meeting each other. One of the characters has a crush on an officemate, and eventually they go out on a date. And given the theme of the movie, you’d think her piece was about her falling in love with this guy. But it isn’t. She constantly is pulled away from opportunities at love with this guy and others because her brother is institutionalized or something like that. At the most inopportune times she helps her brother instead of herself. It’s really sweet, and somewhat sad. The point being, I don’t know if I could walk away from that. I’d certainly give you a lot of my time. I love you. I’d give up free time. I’d give up some career advancement. I’d give up a lot. But I don’t think I would give up all my future just to do the shit work.

Thing is, right now my future is wide open. I’m in a position where I can do more and not give much up. Some money. The bookstore is postponed, whether I move there or not. That would require nearly 100% of my mental energy, and I don’t have that. Moving involves some scary things. But I’ve never gotten anything good by staying comfortable.

So here’s my math: +more meaningful time with you. +less emotional upsetness for you and me. +changing up my routine. +finding new friends. +new activities (Erin says I will go snowboarding at Baker for example). -discomfort. -less spontaneity with existing friends for a couple of years. -money.

I add that up, and it tells me I have an opportunity to move, however scary. Not the other way around. If you can find someone else who really will fill the role to get things done, I will step back and not fight you on a move. But if you don’t want me to move because I will be discomforted and you don’t have someone else who will do this, I will get really upset. In the end, it’s your choice. I am not going to do anything against your wishes. But spending quality time with you is worth a lot to me, and definitely more than I think give up.

I sent an edited version of that to mom in response to her freaking out about me moving to help her.

Moving to Lynden

I’ve mentioned this as a possibility before, but it’s official now. I will be moving to Lynden soon.

My current plan is to retain my condo here in Seattle. I will also get a place in Lynden, where I can be closer to my mom and help her arrange things and communicate. Thursday mornings I will drive to Seattle. I will spend the day here, and the evening mentoring. Then either Friday or Saturday, depending on social activities, I will drive back to Lynden.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do for Guinevere though. I don’t want to transport her back and forth. If she stays here and I get someone to feed her, she’ll be alone most of the week. If I take her to Lynden, I’ll have a harder time finding someone to feed her the couple of days I’m in Seattle since I don’t know as many people there. But there’s a chance I’ll rent a house, so she would be able to go outside again and have more room to roam around inside as well. Not to mention it’ll be fewer days alone. Another option is to find her a new home, whether a temporary foster home or permanent. Really don’t want to do that, as she’s been with me over a decade.

My ballot

Initiative measure 960: requiring 2/3 vote to approve tax increases or a vote.
No. Some things need super-majorities to get by. Normal functioning of the government does not.
Referendum measure 67: setting treble damages for unreasonably denying certain insurance claims.
Approved. I’m not sure this is the best thing actually, but we can repeal or modify it if it doesn’t work. Right now, there’s no penalty if a claim is denied wrongfully. The insurer just pays the claim. Meanwhile the patient is out all the time and expense to force the insurer to pay.
Senate Joint Resolution 8206: 1% rainy day fund
Rejected. I’m in favor of a rainy day fund. I’m not in favor of it being mandated by the state constitution. I’m also not in favor of the kinds of restrictions on it’s use. And since it’s a constitutional amendment, if it doesn’t work as planned it can’t be repealed by the legislature.
Senate Joint Resolution 8212: authorizing inmate labor for private companies
Rejected. I don’t see a driving need for this.
House Joint Resolution 4204: approval of school levies by majority.
Approved. This eliminates super-majority voting requirements for school levies. Right now not only does a levy require a super-majority, but you have to have beat turnout from previous elections. As I noted above, regular functioning of the government shouldn’t be by super-majority. Now, if we could get this to be applied to all levies.
House Joint Resolution 4215: allowing investment of higher education permanent funds
Approved. Not that it will necessarily make the universities a lot of money. I think adequate safeguards against gambling can be written by law or regulation. It’s not necessary to tie the hands via the constitution as currently written.
King County Initiative 25: electing the director of elections
No. This doesn’t make the director of elections elected. This merely puts another item on the ballot next year to make the director of elections an elected position. I’m generally in favor of manager positions like this being appointed. It allows such things as an executive search with multiple candidates.
King County Proposition No. 1: renewal of Medic One property tax levy
Approved. Medic One. ‘Nuff said.
King County Prosecuting Attorney
Bill Sherman. Both have experience. Dan Satterberg though voted to approve Laurie Sotelo’s illegitimate challenges to voters.
King County Assessor
Scott Noble. He’s the incumbent, and I haven’t heard of him. That’s what you want in an incumbent assessor.
King County Council District No. 4
No vote. I don’t vote when someone is running unopposed, unless I’m putting in a write-in for some reason.
Port of Seattle Commissioner Position No. 2
Gael Tarleton.
Port of Seattle Commissioner Position No. 5
Alec Fisken.
Sound Transit and RTID Proposition No. 1
No. I’m torn here. Ultimately though, I think there’s too much emphasis on roads in the package. If that money was spent to repair roads rather than build new ones, perhaps. Also, I’m not a big fan of extending light rail into rural areas since I think that encourages sprawl. It ought to be spread through existing urban locations to encourage even greater density. Places like Ballard, West Seattle, or an I-5 route. Even Bellevue. But not I-90 generally.
Seattle City Council Position No. 1
Jean Godden. She’s turned out to be a decent councilperson.
Seattle City Council Position No. 5
No vote. Tom Rasmussen is unopposed.
Seattle City Council Position No. 3
Venus Velázquez. Don’t know much about either candidate. I like Peter Steinbrueck (the outgoing councilperson) and he’s endorsed Velázquez.
Seattle City Council Position No. 7
Tim Burgess. Burgess is somewhat of an opportunist, disavowing some of his previous work with right-wing causes now that the wind is blowing liberal again. I’ve met him and he’s pretty smart. And really, the opportunity to do a lot of right-wing damage (should he turn out to be a stalking horse) is pretty limited as a councilperson. Meanwhile he’ll be the type that gets into the nitty-gritty of city business.
Seattle City Council Position No. 9
Sally Clark. Haven’t really seen a lot out of Clark, but Fenton is a right-wing gadfly who is running on public morals and says little about day to day things.
Seattle Charter Amendment 17: adds a preamble to the city charter
I don’t care.
Seattle Charter Amendment 18: the mayor’s state of the city address
Yes. This is mostly a pissing match between Mayor Nickels and the City Council. He did his state of the city address to some other group and they got peeved that the official audience (them) didn’t get it in person. I don’t care that much, but it probably should be given to the council at least.
Seattle School District Position No. 1
Peter Maier.
Seattle School District Position No. 2
Darlene Flynn.
Seattle School District Position No. 3
Harium Martin-Morris.

Seattle School District Position No. 6
Steve Sundquist.

A.L.S. clinic at Virginia Mason, visit the second

Today I, along with my dad and brother, accompanied my mom to the Virginia Mason A.L.S. clinic. The idea behind the clinic is that you go to one place and sit, and all the A.L.S. specialists in various disciplines come to you. There was a nurse, the A.L.S.A. patient care coordinator, two respiratory therapists, a speech therapist, a nutritionist, two occupational/physical therapists and a student P.T., a psychiatrist, a doctor specializing in A.L.S., and a neurologist who specializes in A.L.S.

In theory it’s awesome. In practice there’s one huge drawback. Because there are so many people to see, they don’t share notes until the end of the day. Which means they all ask the same questions, since the disciplines with regard to A.L.S. overlap. Here’s an example:

My mom can’t swallow. That obviously impacts her eating, and she has a feeding tube that allows her to get her caloric needs met. But after that, her mouth is still producing saliva which she can’t get rid of. She can choke to death or drown in her own fluids. There are basically two solutions: medication or a suction device. Medication dries the saliva production, but it also dries your eyes. My mom doesn’t want to do this because of previous eye disease that could return if her eyes dry out which they have a tendency to do as a result of that disease. She uses eye drops. The suction device she had but returned after three or four weeks because it is not portable. The doctors have basically said, “put it by your favorite chair and then don’t move.” So her solution has been to carry a handkerchief and dawb the saliva away. It’s portable and doesn’t dry her eyes.

Anyway, about 5 of the folks we met with wanted to put her on medication to stop the saliva. So she’d tell them she didn’t want to do that. The doctors (term used generically, they aren’t all doctors) wouldn’t just say okay, moving on to the next item. There’s good reason for that. They want to make sure she’s not rejecting medication out of hand simply because she has some sort of fear of medication or other irrational belief that prevents her from enjoying the remaining time she has. But since there isn’t a common chart, and even if there was there wouldn’t be time to share the information between each specialist, we have to go through the whole explanation from the previous paragraph every time.

That’s really tough for someone who can’t talk, and who has to type up the reasons and responses on a speech device. What I can explain in about 30 seconds will take her 4 or 5 minutes. Now, actually a few times I did step in and explain this, after asking mom if I could do the explanation. But it still takes a lot out of her, and there’s always a slightly differently worded well, could you consider it this way thing from the doctors that my mom needs to answer.

By and large, I’m really impressed with the A.L.S. clinic. Having access to people who know the latest and greatest with regard to A.L.S. treatment is wonderful, even if there’s not a lot of practical results. And it sure beats having to make two trips or worse nine trips to each kind of specialist. But it’s tough on my mom. A.L.S. often causes exaggerated emotional responses, particular laughing and crying, clinically. Add that on top of dealing with a fatal illness that requires major life changes. She’s fatigued and tired and emotionally raw. That’s the base. Then 9 visits one after the other with many of them very pressure filled. It’s been a rough day for my mom.

Watching that is pretty rough for me too. Participating in it takes a huge emotional toll. My mom being unwilling to let me help more is hard. I have some skills as a former manager that could make a lot of her daily life less stressful, without her losing any independence. It would mean living nearer to her most days. She has told me not to do this though. She doesn’t want me to distance myself from my friends, and she wants me in Seattle to take care of my grandparents. Plus, there are other family things tied in to this that make it even more troubling for me.

I really need to see a counselor.

I also need an emotional refuge, and I don’t have it. I’ve got some pieces of it, but not everything. Mentoring is my lifeline. Jason gets my mind off my troubles. And a small group of friends has gone above and beyond to prop me up. But what I don’t have is a tight-knit group of friends who yell out “Norm!” as I go to a familiar place every day. No June Cleaver waiting to hang up my coat either. I know, having such things isn’t actually that common. T.V. isn’t reality. But goddamn it sure is attractive, and I wish I had it right now.

Fuck. I really am a wreck tonight.

Walk

I got up early yesterday to drive up to Bellingham for the A.L.S. walk. Erin rode up with me, and we picked up my grandparents as well. I know I write about my mom a bunch, but I should mention my grandparents more too. My grandfather is my hero. He’s pretty much the coolest guy I know. He was a firefighter for Seattle for years.

Anyway, when we got to to walk site, I pulled in to the lot, coincidentally right next to where Erik, Amanda, and Jason had locked themselves out of their car. My mom was trying to herd cats at the starting line. She’s never been very good at it, and being unable to speak frustrated her. But she did have red visors (my head was too big for it though) and I Support Dorinda stickers for everyone.

She was selected to cut the ribbon. I was trying to take photos of the start, but my mom and the people with her walked off like it was a race. It may seem like an easy job, but y’all should give some props to the sports photographers out there. My shots at the start sucked.

I walked with Gramps. He’s got a bad ticker, and not a lot of strength. We trailed most folks, and had to turn around well before the end. I got some decent photos while sitting at the spot we turned around at. On the way back, there was a fire truck parked for a local boat race. Some sort of medical assistance call. He went over to see if he knew any of the men, and I headed all the way back.

I took a few photos of my mom dancing in celebration. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here before, but one of my favorite experiences was living in Boise when my parents came to visit. I took them to a German association Octoberfest, and they danced to the polka. They were way better than anyone else dancing, and that included some people who looked like they competed. My mom’s team won the top spot for most donations collected, and my mom should have one for most collected by an individual, but we think they messed up.

Afterward, we all headed to my mom’s place in Lynden for obligatory food! Joe did most of the food planning. Ask him his secret meatball recipe sometime. Also, his grill is very important to him. As soon as the last food is off the grill, he’s cleaning it. Then he eats.

Then we messed around with the cornfield for a bit.

I got home and nearly went to bed then. But Jason got me to go drag Keenan to the hospital. By the time that was over, I really was tired, so I went to bed.