Moving & dating & nobility & selfishness

This is somewhat for the benefit of my mom, but also for the numerous people who keep telling me how noble I am. Here’s an email I am sending to my mom:

I’m somewhat frightened to move. Not hugely. It’s something different, and it means that of necessity some things will change in my life. That can be good. I’m somewhat in a rut. Something you will be happy to know is that I haven’t completely given up on the idea of meeting the right girl and getting married after a suitable period of dating. Thing is, not to knock the women I know here, but the chances of that happening with my current circle of friends is dropping rapidly. I’m not the new and fresh face anymore. I’ve been considered and discarded by everyone left in this crowd. It’s not 100%. There are new people coming around. Some folks get recycled. But by and large, my chances are much less than what they used to be in 2002-2003 when I was the new guy.

A change of scenery would help. That can happen here. But it’s hard for me to get myself away from the comfort of my friends. So a new place will kind of force me to do something different. I’m not generally a believer that a change of place changes lives. Wherever you go, there are you. You don’t get away from your problems by moving. But dating, to a decent extent, is a numbers game. If you don’t meet new people, you don’t date much. Numbers aren’t a substitute, for sure. Adding 100 more married people to ones circle of friends doesn’t help much.

Anyway, I noted the other day that I am scared. Changing anything is scary for me. I am a creature of habit, particularly socially. But I’ve never gotten anywhere in life without changing things up, scary as that is. It isn’t going to change me. But getting me out of my routine isn’t changing me.

Helping you? While it has a side benefit to help you, in the end, even my plans to stop by to help you are selfish in nature. You get really upset by the inability to communicate as well as just changing things up (I get my don’t want to change nature from you, I’m sure). If I have a year or two left to spend with you, I’d rather it be fun times rather than constant upsetness. My plan is to put my manager experience to use so that you doesn’t have to be upset as often. Dad and some of the other folks helping you at least currently aren’t really able to fill that role. So you have to make sure things get done, but it’s really freaking hard when you can’t talk and are worn out all the time. That would be upsetting to me. And that affects me emotionally, as well as just messes with the time we have together.

The blunt truth is that I want you to be happy so I can be happy. It isn’t particularly noble. I don’t give a rat’s behind about the suffering of random people. If you were Cruella, I’d have walked away. If I had a career to lose or a family or something else, I can’t say that I’d give them up. I saw a movie within the last year, I can’t remember the title, which was about love. Mostly people meeting each other. One of the characters has a crush on an officemate, and eventually they go out on a date. And given the theme of the movie, you’d think her piece was about her falling in love with this guy. But it isn’t. She constantly is pulled away from opportunities at love with this guy and others because her brother is institutionalized or something like that. At the most inopportune times she helps her brother instead of herself. It’s really sweet, and somewhat sad. The point being, I don’t know if I could walk away from that. I’d certainly give you a lot of my time. I love you. I’d give up free time. I’d give up some career advancement. I’d give up a lot. But I don’t think I would give up all my future just to do the shit work.

Thing is, right now my future is wide open. I’m in a position where I can do more and not give much up. Some money. The bookstore is postponed, whether I move there or not. That would require nearly 100% of my mental energy, and I don’t have that. Moving involves some scary things. But I’ve never gotten anything good by staying comfortable.

So here’s my math: +more meaningful time with you. +less emotional upsetness for you and me. +changing up my routine. +finding new friends. +new activities (Erin says I will go snowboarding at Baker for example). -discomfort. -less spontaneity with existing friends for a couple of years. -money.

I add that up, and it tells me I have an opportunity to move, however scary. Not the other way around. If you can find someone else who really will fill the role to get things done, I will step back and not fight you on a move. But if you don’t want me to move because I will be discomforted and you don’t have someone else who will do this, I will get really upset. In the end, it’s your choice. I am not going to do anything against your wishes. But spending quality time with you is worth a lot to me, and definitely more than I think give up.

I sent an edited version of that to mom in response to her freaking out about me moving to help her.